Embrace me, love me, destroy me
by Shizu-ruu
Summary: After years of abuse, Shizuo becomes only a shell of his former self. Will Izaya notice that what he's doing is wrong before it's too late? / Izuo, warning: blood, suicidal!Shizuo, abuse, yaoi / HIATUS
1. talking

**A/N: So basically me and my best friend did this collab together today. I had to translate it to English to post in here, but here it is. It's kind of messy and all over the place. It's a dialogue only story - there's only one time when there are somebody's thoughts and they're marked like **[this]**. It started off as a oneshot but might get a few more chapters if people like it. Izaya's lines are on the right side and begin with **-this** and Shizuo's lines are on the left side. The dialogue only part is in italics and everything is spoken.**

**Disclaimer****: I do not own Durarara! or any of its characters.**

* * *

_Can I wish for one more thing before I die? I deserve at least one more wish, don't I? To beg you for something impossible and silly. Let me say it, let me die. And everything's going to be alright. The world is not going to stop spinning and people won't stop breathing, inhale-exhale-inhale-exhale. Fathers will be sent to countless pointless wars, never coming back to protect the imaginary peace._

_Ah, but I got lost in thoughts now, right? Do you want to know what I, Shizuo Heiwajima, crave for?_

_..what you have and I don't?_

_...what I envy you?_

_...what caused me to plead?_

_-Do tell Shizu-chan._

_-Share your secret. I don't bite._

_Hahaha. HahaahHAHAHAHAHA! No, of course you don't._

_If only I was human. I would know what it's like to be just like anyone else, nothing special, what it's like to be loved, to love. Promise that you would..._

_-Ahh, Shizu-chan. Why would you want to be a mortal human, predictable and sneaky and disgustingly vile? _

_I would be able to keep myself in place. I wouldn't move - only stare in your eyes, and you wouldn't run away, so can I please have a wish?_

_-What is it, Shizu?_

_...Will it hurt? I'll die and you'll win, I will be reborn as a mere human. I will never ever see you again, won't know you. And despite that all, I will know, remember you, and you will finally be able to..._

_-Shizu, come closer. Yes, that's how.._

_You wouldn't do that, right? Wouldn't bury the cold blade in the flesh, wouldn't let the knife become one with a body. Your laughter would resonate through the cold night, fill the emptiness of the world and never fade away. The exact opposite would happen - other voices would join yours, the ones wanting blood and tears._

_-There's no use in killing a an defenseless sheep above an abyss. Shizuo, can I hug you?_

_I'm all yours._

_Why do you even ask?_

_I'm yours and you know it._

_You love tantalizing me. Torturing me. Killing me._

_-Heh. Who would have thought that... I'm asking you because I want to know if you allow me to do so._

_You want to have me under your control. Prove that you're strong and powerful to yourself and I can't and don't want to defy you. So win. Take everything you want and leave me bleeding and broken. Therapy. That's what you call it. After all those years I'm still not human enough. I can never get what I want. Never, never, never, never..._

_-Haah, Shizu-chan, so this is finally the day that you want something from me?_

_Just forget about it._

_-Who went to take a walk in the middle of the night on the edge of my rooftop again?_

_Just push me to my death already._

_-Shizu-chan, what is that wish of yours? Your undeniably human weakness? Why did you come here today?_

_Are you going to laugh at me?_

_-Does it really matter if you aren't going to stay? I promise not to laugh at you in front of your face._

_Do I have any choice_

_-Come on, you should know that there are always more options. But I still want to know, Shizu._

_[Inhale-exhale-inhale-exhale- Calm down, it all ends here and now.]_

_I have one last wish before I go. I know that those words will never be genuine. But could you say them for my sake, at least once? Lies. Dedicate me one of your eyes. Could you? Pretend that I'm one of your beloved humans when you say it. Just like them, I want the same things they do. Love me. Adore my flaws and worship them, crave for all my love. I would give it to you. Just to get a little bit of your fake affection. Now finish, what you've started._

_-Come closer then. Closer. Yes, this is fine. Close your eyes. And get away from the edge. Come home. My home, Shizu._

_Will you let me fall? Let me die?_

_-No, Shizu, get down. Remember about listening to me? Listen to the others, not your instincts._

_I will slip! I know that I'll slip!_

_-Shizuo, come down now!_

_But that will kill me! That's what they want!_

**"Shizuo!"**


	2. crying

**A/N: So, this took me a bit longer to translate since I did it on my father's computer and I didn't have the document with me so I had to copy it from our conversation. And the letter 'd' is broken on this computer so I had to use ctrl+c and ctrl+v to write the letter. And we're already almost finished with the third chapter, I only have to translate it now. By the way, if you have any suggestions for the plot, feel free to message them to us in your review or PM.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara! and/or any of its characters.**

* * *

As if he just got woken up, Izaya's loud scream reached his ears through the hazy fog that was over his senses.

[What did I want to do? Ah, go down, Izaya's calling me.]

He glanced at those fierce ruby eyes. Izaya was frowning and trying to tell him something.

[What did I do wrong?]

But as soon as he moved his foot, he slipped and started falling backwards with a mortifying scream, eyes wide open.

[Please, tell me this is just another nightmare. Tell me it's not happening.] And then nothing.

Only the wind and darkness.

* * *

It was grotesque, really. Such a monster and when it fell, all that was left was a bloody stain and a body. He would have laughed were it not for how sick he felt.

What now?

Izaya didn't know what to do. He kept staring at the carmine liquid on the sidewalk, blonde hair and the mass that surrounded the scene. Somebody called the ambulance. And he kept standing still, in the same place, watching that spot. The sickly green light of street lamps, a broken bench and the old tree - its leaves were on the ground covered in human blood. He couldn't get the picture out of his head. Shizuo was supposed to be immortal. Please, he has to be. Please.

He took his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number.

"...Shinra?"

"Yes? Is this really the one I think it is?"

"..where's Shizuo?"

"Sorry? Oh, right. It was on the news a while ago. I thought it was only a hoax. Well I suppose he'd be in a hospital somewhere in Ikebukuro."

"Which. One." His voice seemed colder than ice, devoid of any emotions.

"Wait a minute - …ugh, here it is. He should be in Ikebukuro Central Hospital - that's all I know.!"

Izaya hung up.

* * *

When he finally found Shizuo, there were six more people in the hallway - Kasuka, who excused himself from work, Shinra with Celty, Tom and both of Izaya's sisters. Kururi was sleeping soundly on Mairu's shoulder. He felt uncomfortable. Panicked, nervous. Why?

Shinra immediately sprung up to him, but Izaya ignored him and walked up to the twins.

"What are you doing here? It's really late. You got school tomorrow, don't you?" he whispered just so he wouldn't wake Mairu up.

She turned to him, her eyes rather puffy. "We wanted to see how... how Shizu-nii is doing."

"How did you find out about the accident?"

"Shinra called us." She started combing her fingers through her sister's hair.

"Idiot," Izaya mumbled. "How... is he?"

Everyone got silent all of a sudden. Shinra shifted on his legs nervously and stared at the clock. Celty fiddled with her PDA. Tom excused himself to the bathroom. Kasuka didn't do anything at all, he kept on his blank face. Mairu sniffled a little and Kururi stirred in her sleep.

"I asked you something!"

He turned to Shinra since he was the doctor here.

"Nobody knows, yet. He is stabilized but his skull was cracked."

He felt suffocated. Something heavy decided to rest on his chest. What did Shizuo do? Why did he do it? "When can we visit him?"

Kasuka snorted and finally spoke up. "Why do you think that you should be allowed to see him?"

Something cold crushed his chest. He didn't know what to answer, how to act so he transformed it all into rage.

"Maybe because I was there when he slipped, when he had cried nonstop during night, when he thought of himself as a monster. Gave him a home."

"That's great that you were there when he slipped!" Kasuka hissed with evident hate in his voice "Maybe you were there to actually push him down, ne?"

"And now you're here to finish what you've started. We all know you despise him."

"Shut the fuck up already, you'll wake up Kuru-nee!"

'Thanks' He shot a deadly glare in the direction of the younger Heiwajima with the intent to kill. Then he turned to Mairu only to find her on the verge of a breakdown, fresh tears in her eyes. He embraced her softly.

"Sorry. You really don't want to go to sleep? I'd wake you up if anything happened."

"No, I'm fine. Kuru-nee's asleep. But thanks anyways."

He sat down next to the two of them and observed the other people in the hallway having small talks with low voices, as if Shizuo could die from too loud noise.

Many things have changed after all those years. Shizuo almost killed his brother back then, Izaya offered him a 'therapy' - transformation into a human. At first he did it with the sole intention of getting Shizuo out of his way for the Ikebukuro war. But that plan didn't succeed either. Celty's head just vanished one day. He did a great deal of research but not a single trace could be found. Nothing mattered to him anymore after that happened. He vented his frustrations on Shizuo, who learnt to accept them. He got bored of Shizuo, who just cried silently sometimes and let himself get beaten. At some point, their relationship became sexual but not in the affectionate way of course. He never wanted to... fall in love with Shizuo? He wouldn't call it that, not even now. But the disgust he felt towards the other man slowly vanished after a certain incident. Shizuo lost all his power and his body got weaker after the abuse. It just wasn't the old him anymore. After his whole life came crushing down, Izaya became cool-headed, easily irritated and way less playful. And when his sisters have been kidnapped, he started looking after them more. Their unhealthy obsession with Shizuo's brother disappeared right after they finally got to meet him. Shizuo kept living with him but he was falling deeper and deeper in depressions. He was slowly losing him, day by day. And he really didn't want to lose. So he was there when Shizuo woke up from a nightmare, during the countless days when he refused to talk to anyone and looked at him with those huge fearful eyes, even when he had hallucinations, sprouting nonsense.

He wouldn't leave him, not after all the stuff they had to go through. And it would be extremely selfish from Shizuo if he left Izaya noaw. But he wouldn't do that, didn't have enough strength to do so and that pleased Izaya the most. Shizuo needed him the he needed air.

Suddenly the door next to him opened and a middle-aged man in a doctor coat not that different from the one Shinra was wearing now spoke up. He looked really tired and he had a somehow scared expression on his face. Well who wouldn't if the strongest people in Ikebukuro (and Shinjuku) were all in the same building, visiting the same person.

"I got some bad news. The head injury he suffered should have been fatal but Mr. Heiwajima was lucky. Well - in a way he was. He's comatose at the moment and it's very unlikely that he'll wake up. We can only wait now. I'm sorry. You can visit him now. And I would like to talk to um... Kasuka Heiwajima about some things later..."

He rushed to the room, ignoring Kasuka on his way. And stopped in his tracks as soon as he was inside. Shizuo had his head and arms bandaged, his skin was a pale white color and he had tubes and wires in him. He tried hard not to scream. He couldn't. Not now. Two pairs of thin arms hugged him from behind. Mairu and Kururi, he realized. Both were sobbing into his sweater.

'I wanna cry too! Why do I have to stay strong?' He touched their heads shakily, not being able to do anything else.

"Stay here, I will get you some food, kay? Shinro, Mr. Tanaka, do you want anything?"

He ignored Kasuka on purpose. Celty just because she couldn't eat. Both men wanted coffee, only to have something to do.

He ran out of the suffocating space as fast as he could and headed for the toilet. He locked behind himself and broke down. Cried, screamed, sobbed, whimpered, fell to the ground. He didn't know what was happening, why it was happening and who caused it. Oh wait, he knew that. He caused it all. And he also wanted to run away. And to know that Shizuo is going to be just fine. If this was supposed to be revenge from the imaginary God for all the sins he'd commited, he chose the wrong person to suffer! He calmed down quite a bit after a few minutes. He washed his face and stepped out of the room.

He threw some coins in the vending machine and listened to the sound of water being poured in the plastic cup. He put everything on a paper tray and added in a few chocolates. They were ugly and colorful. Everything was just... wrong. He wanted to disappear. It hurt, it hurt so much.

When he came back in the small hospital room, Kasuka was already gone. All his stuff vanished too. He hoped that the bastard left. He served everyone their food and drinks and leaned against the small window.

Kururi was crying silently, tears streaming down the inner side of her cheeks. He wasn't even able to comfort her. Tom, Shinra and Celty had to leave eventually and he managed to get Kururi and Mairu leave. He called Kadota who drove them to Izaya's apartment.

He walked up to the bed, slowly.

**A/N: Okay. We'll get back to Shizuo's POV in next chapter. The first chapter was mostly Shizuo's hallucination (italics) and a dialogue with an imaginary Izaya. Also, this is happening about three years after the anime/novel and it's slight AU. See you soon and review to save Shizuo's life! (I don't know whether he'll survive yet :P)**


	3. bleeding

**A/N: Sorry for the late update. This chapter was twice as long than our usual chapters so naturally it took longer to translate it. We're writing the fourth chapter right now. And I'm re-posting chapter 2 because of some minor mistakes... **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara! and any of its characters.**

* * *

**[one and a half-year ago]**

It was December. Snow covered the city in a thin blanket and children played in it. They were all looking forward to Christmas. Their parents were gone shopping. He was watching them as if they were meaningless, as if the sight hadn't affected him at all. But he envied them deep inside and Izaya noticed that. It infuriated the raven. So now even Shizuo wants to betray him too? Oh no, he won't do that. He would snap his pretty little neck... He wasn't going anywhere. Izaya is his god.

"Shizuo"

Said man turned around with fear evident in his dull golden eyes. He could almost reach out and touch the growing anxiety of what was to come.

"Yes...?"

Izaya put on the sweetest façade he had and patted the spot next to him on the white couch.

"You know you'll never be like them. Don't even bother."

His eyes got a glassy distant look.

"I know, but I thought you said that after some time..."

"Never."

Izaya neared him and stared into his eyes with pure animosity and hatred. Finally he leaned in and their lips met. Cracked and rough texture of Shizuo's warm, welcoming ones and the coldly rejecting and perfectly smooth ones met in a rough show of dominance from Izaya, the ultimate reminder of the control he now owned. Izaya laughed inwardly.

"You can never be human. Nobody loves you because you're a monster. You should be glad that I take care of someone like you."

Salty tears streaming down his cheeks and a small nod.

"Don't cry. It's repulsing."

He took in a shaky breath and exhaled. Izaya got up with disgust written all over his face and headed towards the bedroom.

"You're sleeping on the couch. And clean up after yourself."

A nod. What else. He spent the next bed in horrible pain and mostly at Shinra's because Izaya didn't turn on the heating on the first floow. He didn't complain. Not ever. Because he deserved whatever bad that came to him. He almost killed his own brother. Were it not for Izaya, he still would have been a threat to the society. Izaya was able to remove that God forsaken strength, isolate it. It hurt, he never tried to trick himself into believing something else, but he was able to control himself, lie to himself. This is the way it's supposed to be. He learnt to live like this but at the same time he hated it. He would give anything only to gain a normal life. And he felt even worse for forcing his problems on Izaya. Shizuo actually shouldn't be complaining at all, right? Someone took pity on him and wastes their time on him, although their own life is full of problems.

He won't cry. He'll swallow his fears and help Izaya to get rid existence. He has to do it. He'll help the world that way. Nausea hit him once again, but it disappeared soon. Allof a sudden the world was a blur as he was walking up the stairs to the empty bathroom. It was cheesy but what else could be expected from someone like him? He turned the water on and it came rushing in hot streams in the tub.

It was quite easy to find a switchblade somewhere and it gave him time to think. He felt bad since Izaya would have to clean up after him so he at least took of the white curtain from above the bath tub.

Never had he thought that everything would end this way one day. Hell, he was actually happy back then before this cursed strength appeared. And then everything came crashing down in a tornado of vending machines and half-dead bodies. As he grew older he realized that he was a horrible person and started loathing himself. When he met Izaya, he hated him for what he chose. Izaya was a human in monster diguise while Shizuo was a monster in human disguise. He didn't understand back then that what matters was that Izaya had this precious core of humanity that Shizuo didn't. As he grew up he completely gave up on love and one day when his brother bothered him about Shizuo not having a girlfriend yet, he snapped and threw a fridge at him. Oh, the history loved to repeat itself, didn't it? But this time he actually hit his target and Kasuka ended up in a hospital. Shizuo became depressed and cut off ties with everyone but Izaya stepped in. He was so numb back then that he didn't mind coming with him. And the abuse. Because everything Izaya sent his way, he deserved. But Izaya was too pure on the inside to be with a monster, to be stained by the sinful lips, dirty hands and devoured by those undeserving eyes.

That's why he decided to do the right thing now.

He slipped in the water and violently stabbed his wrist. Blood mixed with the water in the shape of smoke until it finally took a pink color. But as he bled more and more, the color got darker and darker. He felt sick once again. And a little dizzy too. His legs and arms wouldn't listen to him anymore.

"Shizuo!" a voice called out to him from the first floor.

'What now?' 'Just don't come upstairs please, I don't want to see the joy on your face when you see me like this.'

_Lock the door! Quickly!_ But he couldn't move anymore. The steps were coming closer ever so slowly.

_Fuck!_

"What the hell are you doing in there?"

He couldn't respond. All his muscles betrayed him and he slipped under the now lukewarm reddish water.

'Oh god, I will drown.' He slid down the porcelain tub, his coffin.

But Izaya was already in the door. All he could see was red - he blood was everywhere, clouding his vision. And Shizuo's head underwater. He started hyperventillating. Panicked. He didn't know what to do first. As Izaya ran to Shizuo's limp body, his mind was blank. The only thing he focused on was getting Shizuo out of the water. But Shizuo only laid in his arms, unmoving as he opened his eyes a little once again. Theblurry image in front of him surprised him. It was Izaya looking genuinely... scared? He closed his eyes contentedly. Finally Izaya awoke from the haze and called Shinra while wrapping the wound in a towel.

'Hurry up Shinra!'

The pale doctor arrived with Celty right behind after five minutes. He started the treatment right away.

"He lost too much blood. And I don't have his blood type stocked. You both have 0. I need some of your blood. There isn't time for a hospital."

Izaya nodded.

* * *

When Shizuo woke up, there were several machines connected to him and he was in the main bedroom.

'Am I... dead?'

The room was empty. It disappointed him a little, he'd like to talk to an imaginary Izaya.

'Well at least he's fine among the living.'

The slow opening of the door interrupted him. Red orbs met his. Izaya immediately dropped the cup he was holding, thankfully not shattering it, staring at Shizuo with eyes wide with... care? No, Izaya didn't care about people. Monsters.

"Who are you?" Shizuo whispered as he outstretched the arm to the fake Izaya in front of him.

Izaya glanced at him with hatred and hurt. He stormed over to him with a clenched fist but stopped himself when he noticed Shizuo's terrified expression.

"Where are we?" He was almost crying at this point.

"The main bedroom. My room. Shinra said it would be better for you in here."

"I... I survived?"

"Yes. Remember to thank Shinra later. If he hadn't been so fast..." Shizuo started sobbing fully.

"Shi-Shizuo?"

He didn't want to look this weak in front of the person he dared to admire. But he couldn't stop the bitterness eating at his heart. Why didn't they let him go? Izaya finally decided what to do. He slipped under the covers with Shizuo, avoiding all kinds of wires and tubes, hugging him from behind. And Shizuo let his tears flow. He couldn't comprehend what was happening, he was ashamed of bothering Izaya with his stupid feelings but he couldn't keep it bottled in anymore. Didn't want to, didn't have the energy necessary.

"Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. It should have worked out I should ha-"

'I should have died. I'm sorry I didn't.'

"Shut up. Do you know how scared I was?" Izaya said calmly while rubbing circles on the blond's back. "I should be the one apologizing. I should have realized what I was doing to you, not cause it. Do not ever try that again.

"It's not... Not about you! In a bad way I mean! But I will surely... next time..."

"Shizuo, if you get such an idea ever again I'm going to find you and murder you with my own bare hands no matter where you are," Izaya's voice was as cold as ice all of a sudden.

_'You don't want me here anyways, so why do you lie to me ever so sweetly?' 'Because he's kind of course, don't badmouth him!'_

_Why did you save me back then?_

_-I couldn't have just let you die!_

_Why? I would probably dirty the floor with my filthy blood and people would accuse you of murder, right?_

_-Haha, no, that's not why. I simply didn't want to throw you away yet._

_Why would you keep me? I'm useless, I can't do anything right. _

_-Ne, Shizu-chan, that doesn't mean that you can't be used for any other purpose. But I have to agree with you on this matter. You're just a filthy piece of meat. A monster._

_I know, I KNOW!_

_-So you're going to raise your voice when talking to me? You? The lowest piece of trash humanity has to offer. I will show you... heheheheHEEHEEEH WHAT NOW SHIZU-CHAN, ARE YOU STILL AS DARING AS BEFORE? HAHAHAHA! _

_..._

_..._

_-Drop dead._

_Aaaaaahhhhhhh!_

_They tell me that you don't exist. Not in this form. That I'm only imagining you... They're not telling the truth, are they? Otherwise I would have to be twisted and you... You would be dirtied by my hands... Why... Why don't I deserve you? Why am I who I am? Why don't I deserve your love? Why? Why?! ANSWER ME!_

_-SHUT UP!_

_(and only the loud slapping of hand against a reddened cheek resonates through the empty space) _

_-Do you want to know? Because you're disgusting. Just a beast. Who could ever love you? No one! No one! No one! Haha! This is just so damn funny!_

_STOP! I hate you! Hate! I hate you all! DIE!.. _

…

_..._

_...I hate myself so much..._

_(then he was on the ground and hundreds of steel boots were kicking him but in fact there were only two of them and everything was blurry and he cried and sobbed and hated and loved because he EXISTED)_

* * *

**[one year ago]**

He started screaming and trashing around.

"Let me die already!"

Izaya stood helplessly above a violently convulsing Shizuo. There were large bags under Izaya's eyes. It had been half a year since Shizuo tried to commit suicide for the first time and it got even worse since then. Their relationship settled down a little though - Izaya started treating Shizuo with care as one would do with a child. But there were still those times when he would get panic attacks, get all distant and have nightmares. Just the way it was right now.

"I wanna go home!"

"Shizu-chan, you can't go home right now, you know? You could do something you'd regret later so I can't let you go. But if it suits you better I could leave and call someone else to look after you."

"I wanna go home! Mommy! Sorry!''

"Shizu-chan! Shizuo! Calm down! I'm not doing anything, see? Nobody's doing anything to you now, you're fine, ne?"

"Mommy!"

"Shizu-chan!" Meanwhile the older one tried to crawl out of the bed.

"Away! I don't wanna stay here! I hate it!"

Izaya had tears in his eyes. This is what it went like every single time. Not that Izaya didn't deserve some punishment for his since but why did they have to torture Shizuo too?

"Do-do you wanna go to Shinra's maybe?" he choked on a sob with a fake smile on his face.

Shizuo shook his head 'no' and started suffocating on his own tears. "If only you knew..."

"If we knew what baby, won't you tell me?"

**"You're all going to die."**

"Why should we die Shizu?"

"I... you... I just..."

"...hate me, right?" Izaya whispered the fear of those words' meaning evident in his voice. He liked Shizuo. It wasn't love per se but he cared about Shizuo, a lot.

Shizuo groaned in pain just as the doorbell rang.

"Shizu-chan, stay in the bed please, okay?"

He ran down the stairs as fast as he could and swung the door open. Mairu and Kururi in fitting skirts stood there in the cold with a big black bag over Mairu's shoulder. He wiped his eyes as fast as he could and smiled his broken smile in what was supposed to be a reassuring way.

"Hey girls, why'd you visit? I hope you're not in trouble once again."

Both of them looked optimistic, entering the living room hand in hand.

"We wanted to see how Shizu-nii's doing."

"He... he's not feeling well right now." 'I don't want you to see him this way. I know how much you two admire him. It would break you both just the way it broke me.'

"He has another episode, doesn't he?" Mairu asked with a quiet voice. He couldn't do anything but nod. It hurt so much, this hole in his chest. Their expressions fell and they seemed upset. He wanted to comfort them. He did but... he couldn't even comfort himself.

"Go... Wait... (You can go. We will wait here)" Kururi finally spoke up. Her eyes were glazed over. She felt bad for Shizuo and - although sometimes he didn't deserve it - for her brother.

Izaya thanked them inwardly and quickly got back in the bedroom. When he looked around Shizuo was there, sitting on the dark desk by the window watching the clouds pass.

"Shizu-chan?"

"...orry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, so..."

"Come here." Shizuo approached him without any restraint now that he was in his right mind again. But his eyes looked guilty. Izaya reached for him with his slightly trembling fingers and quickly hid them in Shizuo's hair as he pulled the man towards himself. "Everything's gonna be just fine.."

He felt tears soaking his shirt. He was still a bit shaken but ignored it in the favor of Shizuo. 'Stay strong, he needs you.'

"Mairu and Kururi came to visit... Do you want to say hi?"

He nodded into the dark fabric. "I'll... I'll come in a few minutes."

* * *

**A/N: Okay, so this was another one of the more confusing ones. It was a chapter focusing on Shizuo and his hallucinations. Next chapter - which I'm quite fond of - is going to be about Izaya.**


	4. story-telling

**A/N: The fourth chapter is finally here. It took a little longer since I didn't have access to wi-fi this weekend so I couldn't finish it. So in the meantime I already translated chapter 5 and we only need to finish it at this point. And thanks to everyone who reviewed/alerted/favorited our story until now.  
**

**Disclaimer****: I do not own Durarara! and/or any of its characters.**

* * *

"Shizu-chan."

Izaya gulped. This was way harder than he imagined it to be. And he had a very vivid imagination - maybe too vivid sometimes.

"So even you could die by jumping of such a height? They say you were lucky... but this... you don't look any better, huh..."

'Are you going to be fine?'

"Shizu-chan," he tried calling the deadly pale man's name again. "Shizu-chan," he started shaking with the man now. "Shizu-chan. Shizu-chan! Shizu-chan!" By the end he only ended up desperately clutching onto the hospital gown while his eyes got wet once again.

_'Don't fucking leave now!'_

"Sh-shizu..." he sobbed.

_'Why did you leave me here?'_

_'Why!'_

_'You're so damn selfish.'_

He tried to calm down desperately but he couldn't stop the tears from flowing down so he stopped fighting it. He got an idea after a while. He avoided the tubes and lied down next to Shizuo with the blonde head on his chest. He was so close. _'It's fine, I'm here, ne?'_ He stopped crying now and started humming some random melody while combing Shizuo's hair with his fingers. Shh... go to sleep.

"Ne Shizu-chan, I'll tell you a story, okay? A long time ago in some kingdom there was a prince. He was to marry a princess from a foreign country but she was rude and annoying. Something like Namie, imagine having to marry that. Poor prince. But seeing as he was the heir to the throne he didn't have much choice. The marriage was already settled. Wouldn't it piss you of? It would definitely piss me of - especially if that wife was Namie. And so the prince decided to run away from the kingdom day before the ceremony so that he would have at least a little freedom, you know?

"So he climbed out of his window early that morning and went to the woods. He sat down on a stump which was covered by moss there. He wanted to stay in that moment forever. The prince closed his eyes and let himself be bathed in the dim sunlight coming through the trees. But when he opened the eyes there was an extraordinarily beautiful person standing in front of him. It was just like a dream. A young boy of his age with torn clothes was smiling at him. His skin was pale and perfect, his short golden locks were all over his place but still incredibly smooth and his dark chocolate eyes swallowed your , doesn't he remind you of someone, Shizu? Angel, the prince thought. And who wouldn't? And so the prince fell in love. The young man spoke up after a while.

"_'What is your majesty doing here?'_

"The prince found himself unable to answer - he was that astonished by the young man's angelic face. The young man smiled once again and gave him another question.

"_'Can I sit next to you?'_ And the prince nodded.

"The prince and the young man talked to each other for the entire day and spent a night full of great passion, unseen and forbidden to the world outside, together. But the next morning the prince had to return to the castle with a heavy heart. Every step towards the cursed place took hurt - stabbed his heart and kept ripping it to pieces. But he was a prince and had duties to perform and expectations to live up to. When he came back everyone cheered since he couldn't be found for a whole day. They dressed him in the most expensive clothes and covered him in exotic perfumes. But the prince suffered silently - he couldn't find it in himself to be happy. All he could think about was the young man from the woods. The wedding ceremony came and he had to say _yes_ to the arrogant princess and kiss her, secretly disgusted by the act. He felt like he betrayed someone.

"However he didn't notice that an old teacher of his followed him into the woods the day before and that man saw everything that happened. And so the king got a rather disturbing message and decided to execute the young man from the woods. Prince didn't know anything and tried to survive next to that stupid and cruel woman. The king didn't want his son to know about the execution though so he got the young man shot by a poisoned arrow.

"The prince hated the princess. Loathed her, even. One day she started throwing porcelain cups at him and so he decided to return to the beautiful spot in the woods. He was excited about seeing the young angel there once again. His savior and the portrait of Love itself - that's the way he imagined the boy to be. And indeed - when he came to that place he found the beautiful young man sleeping there in the short grass with shadows dancing across his face. He was in a very deep sleep though. And when the prince neared him, he noticed the arrow sticking out of his chest. His knees went weak. But when he fell on the ground he could hear the quiet sound of the boy's heartbeat. He tried to wake up the boy - but all to no avail. And so he stayed with him during the days and nights and watched helplessly as he stopped breathing on the fourth day. That's the end of our fairy tale Shizu-chan. And do you know what happened to the prince? His heart broke and he stayed right beside his lover forever - cold and dead.

"Ha, you don't wanna know who I know those fairy tales from - and yes there are more. But it has something to do with my sisters - Mairu mostly. Yesterday I sent them to our apartment and went to take a quick look at them. You won't believe me when I tell you what I saw. They had to be really tired because I wasn't able to wake them up at all. They both laid in our bed, hugging one of those huge bears that they once got you and you actually slept with it when I irritated you and there were tons of blankets around them. They felt really bad about what happened to you."

He sighed. Really, yesterday morning he had to come back home and send someone to look after the girls. Not that they weren't already grown up enough but he didn't want to leave them alone in a situation like this. And so he asked Celty to help him - and she happily obeyed.

'I wish you were here Shizu-chan'

"The girls admired you so much. And loved you. You were able to tolerate their presence... well since like always. They tried to be as quiet as they could be when you had head aches and you yourself experienced how exhaustively annoying they can be. They were terrified when Shinra called them and they won't get out of bed now - Celty texted me that they don't want to get up so I told her that they don't have to go to school when it's like this. It's getting complicated, isn't it Shizu-chan?" He giggled slightly and kissed Shizuo's forehead softly.

"You always liked to interfere with my plans. And still do, ne? Shizu... you look beautiful. As always. When... when we were 'together' I didn't say it to you a lot. I didn't have a reason to. Wait! That sounded rather like an insult. Not that you weren't beautiful before it's just... I thought you knew it. But you probably didn't. You could finally wake up so that I can tell this to you when you're awake, ne?"

Nothing. No answer.

He frowned and struggled to get away from the dead-looking body.

"Tsch, you don't play fair Shizu-chan. I used to envy your apparent immortality. Simon came to me one day saying that I had Shizuo complex. Would you believe that? I would have never thought that Simon had it in him. But on the other side, the crazy otaku - Erika? She supposed that we were lovers from the start. She wasn't right back then but now? What are we? We're certainly not enemies and we're more than friends... Are we lovers then? I know that you loved me a lot - most of your time anyways - and trust me, I care about you a lot too but... I'm not sure whether it's love or not."

His chest felt heavy with guilt. Shizuo once said those words to him - when he thought that Izaya was asleep. It was right after one of his bad days when he didn't want to see anyone, not even Izaya. After that he tried to apologize to Izaya so many times that it got annoying. That was the same day that the girls almost saw him hallucinating - thank God he got better during their visit and Izaya didn't have to make them leave.

A mobile phone rang all of a sudden and he picked it up quickly as if he was afraid that it could wake Shizuo up. Mairu's voice rang in his ear.

"Iza-nii? Where are you?"

He breathed in deeply because he still wasn't very sure about his voice not cracking.

"In... Visiting Shizuo. You don't have to go to school but I suppose you already know that. And I hope you're being good to Celty - she went out of her way for you guys. And I'm talking mostly to you right now, Mairu. And don't even try shining light bright enough to disperse the shadows on her clothes - it doesn't work."

"Wha... how did you know? Never mind. But that's not why I'm calling you."

_'I know. I know all too well.'_

"Shizuo is... there are no news about his condition. You can come visit him anytime, okay?"

It was quiet for a while until he could hear choked sobs on the other side. Immediately a wave of guilt struck him - all the pain that everyone suffered - it was all his fault. This whole ridiculous situation was his fault.

"Mairu! Mairu, calm down, everything's gonna be fine, ne? You know Shizuo, he won't just give up that easily.," A nervous smile appeared on his face as his eyes travelled to the person next to him - so pale and fragile in the hospital gown.

"I-I know... B-but- Sorry. Sometimes I forger that it's harder for you than for us," Mairu started apologizing in the telephone although her brother couldn't see the sorry expression she wore.

"That doesn't mean that I'm not here for you guys, you should know that. And if you're visiting, could you please bring me some ootoro? Thanks."

He hung up because he was not able to talk about Shizuo in this state anymore. The cold nervousness in the pit of his stomach bothered him greatly and all he wanted to do was to get rid of it for good, forget about his sisters, Shizuo, Kasuka and everyone else, only vegetate and spend the rest of his life stagnating, alone and lonely and cruel.

* * *

**A/N: Okay, so you probably already noticed the pattern of the story: It's Shizuo POV (flashbacks, hallucinations) x Izaya POV (what happens right now). And this time we inserted a small story! Ugh, I should shut up. Well - we love reviews and they make us work faster!  
**


	5. making mistakes

**A/N: Hooray for fast updates! Since I didn't have wi-fi during the weekend I just spent it translating some of my works and the unfinished chapter 5 of EmLmDm. Yep. So here's another chapter full of flashbacks and weird stuff - Shizuo's POV.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara! or any of its characters.**

* * *

**[three years and six months ago]**

Everything was in its place. He cleaned his apartment up because Kasuka's arrival meant a lot to him. He wanted it to be perfect - he really did. He threw out all the trash laying around and even cooked for Kasuka. He hated cooking. However - what wouldn't he do for his younger brother, right? He made sure that all was the way it should be before going to open the door.

There was a quiet raven in sunglasses and a pullover standing in front of him. Shizuo decided to break the silence first.

"Hi!"

Kasuka's expression was blank as always.

"I'm happy to see you, Kasuka."

Kasuka only nodded and invited himself in. He looked around the apartment with little interest - not even noticing the slight changes all around the small place (the only one that Shizuo could actually afford because of his constant debts to the city for destroying public property.

"I made a lunch if you don't mind..."

"Hm... yeah, sure."

He sat to the small table silently and watched Shizuo pour the chicken soup in an old cracked plate. Still silent. Shizuo hoped silently that Kasuka will speak up eventually - this made him maddeningly nervous.

"So... how are you doing?" Kasuka finally decided to talk to his older brother who handed him the plate full of hot soup.

"Ehh, I'm fine. What about you though?"

"It's okay. Ruri and I are planning a wedding. What about you, do you have someone yet?"

"...No. But congratulations, when is it happening?"

"...we haven't decided that yet. Why are you alone aniki? I mean you're quite good looking and the girls still like you. What do you look for in your partner?"

Ouch. Pain. Hurts. Ignore it, ignore it, ignore it.

"It's hard. I just didn't ever meet someone who isn't only interested in either looks or using my strength to their advantage. They shouldn't fear me - and it would be nice if they were lively, nice and... able to love a monster. Someone who I just couldn't hurt - so that when I'm with them I wouldn't have to watch whether I don't press too hard or accidentally snap one of their bones."

But there's no one like that anyways. No one, except for... no, he definitely didn't count.

"Haha, seemed like the perfect description of Orihara Izaya to me."

And then he saw red.

A far cry: "Shizuo! Nii-san!"

And then he not only saw red but there was red everywhere and disgustingly loud screams in his mind because you're a _monster_, **monster**, _**monster**_, **MONSTER** HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAH... and you killed your own AAHAHAHAHAHA brother ... I hate you Heiwajima Shizuo. Chaos and awfully carmine walls and _OH GOD IT'S SLIDING DOWN THE WALLS NOW_. What happened? Please, someone, anyone! Don't look at me, don't look at me, DON'T LOOK! Get out - out of my way, why... mirror? A fist met the shiny surface of the fragile glass. OUCH! Don't wake up! Bloody mash, look at the ground, ornaments, almost perfect art. GROSS! Murderer! I will tell you your future boy, do you agreeAAAASODFjiajfeuiaoguhuhizfgzsaaOUSUHAOFUHAUHA RA_DEATHDEATHDEATH__**DEATH**_**.** Bastard! Darkness... oh how merciful you are. What time is it? A year? Two years? Four seconds? Where has the time gone? Where have I gone? **_ . . ! HAHAHAH-_**

* * *

**[2 months later]**

What time is it? A day? Two days? A month? Two months? How many? Where?

_'Beast!'_

Ha, why are those voices right?

He didn't go outside. For a long while now. What does 'outside' mean? He doesn't want to see the rest of the world. Or does the rest of the world not want to see him? He didn't know anymore, however it was better this way.

_'Die! Die! Die!'_

Who? What? Who is talking and who is listening? He didn't have any idea. The doorbell has been ringing for a while. He should open the door, right? He got up from the couch slowly and fought his way out of the unkept apartment. Apathetic expression on his face he faced the cutely absurd situation when he saw Izaya standing in front of his door. He fixed his gaze on the younger man who was just about to ring the doorbell again.

_Izaya...hate...school...gross...vile...crush him...Kasuka...blood...everywhere...everywhere...e verywhere... _Nausea overwhelmed him and he almost threw up right then and there.

_..._

_Kasuka..._

"Wow Shizu-chan, they told me that it's bad but not this bad..."

The dark-haired man invited himself in without even considering Shizuo's opinion on his arrival and looked over the filthy apartment with disgust apparent in his carmine eyes. Shizuo didn't move an inch, still standing by the door.

"And it's even evident because of the state of this... hole. Well whatever Shizu-chan, I'm not here to compliment your humble little abode."

Shizuo kept still only absently registering Izaya's words.

"Just like a corpse. Well long story short - you've been quiet for a while and it makes me uneasy so the oh so nice me decided to help you. Help the humanity too. I will get you out from the streets and this... flat - I will even feed you and give you a place to live - because I heard that you don't have money to pay the rent for anymore - and you won't have to be afraid that you'll hurt someone - well except for my secretary but no one would care if something happened to her so yeah... And I may try to make you human."

Shizuo didn't really pay attention to Izaya's rant until now and he felt an odd sensation akin to relief crawling up on his back. It was a bad idea of course to trust Izaya with his life and to live with his enemy but on the other side - if it could make him human and help the others, it would be great. He was tired of hurting everyone and it was true that the landlord was about to throw him out next week. He had to atone for his sins so he had to walk straight into the pit of hell.

He nodded without any clue about what was to follow.

* * *

**[4 months later]**

"Disgusting monster! Never should have taken you in! Selfish asshole!"

_Oh yes, I am. How can you tell? Forgive me for being... me._

"Won't you clean up after yourself?"

(and oh, does it hurt when he gets slapped - the pain of humiliation is excruciating)

_Sorry. I didn't mean to. Of course, I'll clean up. It won't happen again. Ever._

"Will you finally speak up or are you going to keep staring at me like an idiot?"

(and no reaction whatsoever is acquired from the bruised blond)

(so he kicks him in the hip, sends him falling to his knees because fuck, it hurts a lot now, he didn't feel such intensive pain ever before, and it's a freeing feeling, because yeah, life _Shizuo_ is beautiful like this - bloody and ruined)

_What is Kasuka doing right now? _

(another kick, in the face now and he's bleeding all over the white carpet and he wonders whether it will stain)

_Ouch. But it's not like I don't deserve this._

(and more more more more more until he can't register the pain attacking his body anymore and so he faints)

* * *

**A/N: I feel like we're torturing Shizu-chan way too much... Oh, well... Anyways, thanks for all your reviews and follows/favorites. And yes, I promise this story will get a plot (probably somewhere around the end- IGNORE ME)**

**Ahem. So yeah, review pretty please. Reviews are like koalas. And we all know that koalas are awesome and make us swoon and fangirl and flail around. **

**By the way I'm writing a story by myself right now. It will be Shizuka x Kanra AU so when it finally goes on this site, don't forget to check it out!**


	6. sisters

**A/N: Okay, I made it. I'm tired and everything but I did it. It will take quite some time before the next update though - we're leaving to England for two weeks next Monday so we won't be able to update until then. But when we come back, there will be an update in two/three days. **

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Durarara! or/and any of its characters.**

* * *

Sometimes he watched the nurses that hung around Shizuo. Kaori was there at the moment - a young girl that thought she was oh-so-pretty and kept on flirting with him in what she considered a cute and subtle way.

_'Not interested.'_

But the woman apparently didn't notice his not so enthusiastic reactions to the way she wiggled her hips.

_'Get lost, you're wasting my time!'_

But no, she wouldn't do that - she kept on strutting in front of him. Her hair was short and brown, she wore a nurse uniform and high heels - how she convinced the doctor to let her wear stripper heels in a hospital... Well he had his theories. Her knowledge of medicine was probably as good as a preschooler's one. Kaori turned to him with a unnaturaly wide smile. He decided to tease her a bit for being such an idiot around his Shizu-chan and smirked at her.

"Miss, do you mind talking to me? It's kind of boring in here."

"Ah, me?" she blushed quickly and stepped closer to the bed "Well I shouldn't but sure... Er- you're always here with Mr. Heiwajima. What is he to you?"

He was sure she would ask that.

"A boyfriend."

The game just began.

"Ehe, and don't you have a girlfriend? Such a handsome guy?"

_'Wow, she's really dense. Well - now it's gonna be her fault that she'll get messed with.'_

"Not yet."

"Well then you wouldn't mind if I took you out of this place for some coffee after I'm done here, nee?" she winked at him. Izaya just faked a smile and nodded.

"Sure."

Kaori blushed and ran out of the room because she had patients to go to. Of course - Izaya won't come. In fact - when she comes he will make her understand that Shizuo is his partner and that he's not interested. Izaya was looking forward to the afternoon. He still loved all various human reactions. It also worked as a distraction from the current Shizuo problem. Crying face of a betrayed woman. Compensation for the emptiness in him. And her blood, blood everywhere. Gross. At least he won't be there to see it. He knew enough about her (had enough time to do so) so he knew that she has lots of complexes and that she just might lose her job, that her husband left and that she registered on a website where people planned suicide together.

The door to the room swung open and he already thought he would have to throw out the annoying nurse but standing there was Celty instead. He nodded to acknowledge her presence.

Celty brought some flowers with her. Lilies. White ones. He felt sick. As if she was bringing a bouquet to a funeral.

_'__He's not dead!'_

Her body shivered slightly as she put the flowers next to his bed and approached Izaya with her PDA: _**[How are you feeling?]**_

"I'm fine."

Lies, lies, all lies but he got so used to saying them that he didn't even register that he was lying.

_**[Shinra is worried about you.]**_

"I'm fine!"

_'__I just feel like someone tore off a part of me and set me on fucking fire. I just have anxiety attacks all the time. I just spent my days and nights in the hospital eating shitty food from vending machines on the verge of breaking down. I just want to run away and forget, yet I can't. I just writhe in agony and nightmares invade my sleep. I just spend most of my time talking with someone who might never wake up again. But yeah, I'm fine.'_

"Tell him not to worry so much, 'kay? Did Mairu and Kururi bother you?"

The Black Rider didn't seem very convinced but she gave up on patronizing him and held up her PDA once again.

_**[No, I really liked having company. They said they would drop by later.]**_

"Okay."

They fell into uncomfortable silence after that.

* * *

The girls came after few hours. They were staring at Shizuo with desperation in their eyes for a few full minutes until lying down next to him.

"I told him one of those crazy fairy tales of yours.," Izaya finally spoke up to break the silence full of unshed tears. The twins smiled.

"Which...?" Kururi said quietly.

"Uh... can't remember the name anymore... Something about a prince and a boy from the woods, tragedy..."

Almost invisible blush spread on his cheeks.

"Hehe, now we can tell him another tale, ne Iza-nii?"

"Whatever suits your fancy, girls."

"Listen carefully, we will tell you a fairy tale about..."

"...magic flower... ," Kururi suggested timidly.

"Once upon a time there was a boy living in the village. He was from a regular family, didn't care about anyone and spent his entire day watching other people."

"Iza-nii..." Kururi giggled.

Mairu didn't even notice it and continued: "One day an old man came to their house and slept over. He told the boy about a magical flower that can grant you immortality. But he ignored the tale until one day his mother fell gravely ill died. And he realized that he too one day would die. So he decided to find the flower. He left his home and after a long time he arrived to the Black Woods where the flower was supposed to be in the claws of a demon. ."

"So he continued going forward when all of a sudden a fox sitting under a huge green tree stopped him. The boy was afraid of her at first, but then - simply because of his twisted sense of curiosity he approached her. The fox watched him with sly and cunning eyes and spoke up: **'Oh boy, dear boy, why would you come to this place? Is there something you're craving for, a woman after whom you chase? Are you dying with lust or are you empty? Are you looking for trust, running from someone deadly?'** _[I would like to know that myself]_ the boy thought but asked: **'I'm looking for the flower of immortality - a demon in these woods is said to have it.'** The fox smirked, her eyes glistening with maliciousness **'Why would you give up life? For momentary happiness, that lingers forever? Silly boy, you're gonna be restless, your decision is not clever.'** He ignored the fox and continued struggling through the woods - bushes and plants and wild animals all around when all of a sudden the fox changed its form in a raven as dark as the wood itself and screeched: **'The flower is inside the demon's body - in his heart. But you won't defeat him in a fight - wait until he falls asleep. When that happens, don't hesitate and rip out his heart without taking mercy on him and run.'**

"He nodded and carried on. Spending the whole night and day walking really tired him so he was happy when he finally reached an old looking house made of wood. He neared the tiny window slowly but before he had a chance to see anything, two very humane hands clenched him tight and all of a sudden he was inside in the warm room with two beds and a stove. A tall blond man with liquid gold-like eyes and dark wings was staring at him, Izaya found himself unable to move - not even wanting to do so for now. He was astonished by the supposed demon's beauty. After a while the taller man spoke up: **'Where did you come from?'** **'I...'** The boy started explaining himself but he couldn't figure out what to tell the demon. **'I got lost... Then I met a strange fox that talked to me so I ran and it lead me here.'** The man above him didn't move. He gazed at him longingly for a while and then sat down, accepting the explanation. **'So you'll probably want to sleep over.'** Izaya nodded without saying anything. The blonde man gulped and introduced himself." Mairu smirked and stuck out her tongue for her older brother.

"**'I'm Shizuo, what about you?'**"

"Mairu! I'm sure that this wasn't in the story!" Izaya groaned desperately.

"Shh..." Kururi cracked a smile.

Even Izaya smiled a little when Mairu continued.

"The boy couldn't help but stare. The man in front of him just couldn't be the big bad demon from the man's story. Everything except for those wings was so human about him. **'Izaya'** Shizuo liked the sound of that and smiled lightly. They talked for a while and then Shizuo went to sleep. But Izaya stayed up and cried silently. Without any tears. He should kill an innocent human only to reach immortality? Poor Shizuo - the only one who carries immortality with him without being able to use it. That wasn't fair at all! But if someone asked - Shizuo was only alive because Izaya didn't have any weapon to use on him. He didn't have any dreams that night. Next morning he awoke to a table full of food. He sat down and scanned the room for his host. But Shizuo was gone - as if he disappeared. So he started eating. He spent the rest of the day in the old house and around it, lazing around and doing some chores. Finally when it got too cold and the sun set he wrapped himself up in a blanket and sat next to the stove, reading one of the books that he'd found earlier that day behind Shizuo's bed. He started slipping from consciousness moments before midnight. But as soon as midnight came, the door opened quietly and Shizuo was back. Izaya pretended to be asleep. He felt Shizuo taking him in his arms and carrying him to the bed. He let him do it. Shizuo was so warm, perfect and inviting. Something completely different... safe."

"Wow Mairu, you could write a book," Izaya chuckled but Kururi glared at him darkly.

"Quiet. Continue."

"So they went to sleep in the only bed-"

"Mairu, there were two beds in there just a moment ago!"

"It doesn't matter! I just want them to be perfect since nothing else is!"

Silence.

Kururi bit her lip nervously and patted Mairu's arm as if to tell her to continue.

Mairu began talking once again but her voice cracked a little.

"And so they went to sleep and both of them felt comfortably warm at night - a feeling none of them was used to. When Izaya awoke the next day he discovered an empty house - only some food was on the table. He ate it, wandered around the house and read another book in the evening. This time when Shizuo returned, he was awake. Shizuo gazed at him with something in his eyes - but he couldn't figure out what that was. The golden eyes looked down after a while and Shizuo sat on a chair. **'Still here?'** Izaya didn't answer at first, not sure what he wanted to say. Finally, he arose from his spot by the stove and sat to the table. **'Does it bother you?'** Shizuo shook his head no, smiling slightly. Izaya took his time before speaking up again. **'Uh... why do you live here?' 'I like it here.'** There was a trace of sarcasm in his voice. 'Don't lie to me.' Izaya frowned. Shizuo sighed deeply. **'Few... few years ago, as a child, a fox came to me while I was playing in these woods and stabbed a knife trough my heart. Since then it's supposed to hold the key to immortality that another person will inherit after I changed me into a demon and I decided to stay away from other people. Only true love can free me.'**"

Mairu turned to her brother with a light smirk and his cheeks reddened a little.

"Why are you staring at me?" he squeaked. Both sisters grinned.

"And so Izaya thought of something that could help Shizuo-"

"Mairuuu!"

"Yes?" Mairu smiled sweetly.

"Tell me that this is not going-"

"He leaned closer to Shizuo..."

"Mairu!"

"And slowly their faces..."

"You little!"

"Their lips met in a passionate battle of tongues full of lust and care and something else-"

"Get away from Shizu-chan so I can strangle you.."

"They fell on the bed-"

"NO!"

"All the clothes they had suddenly landed on the floor, torn to pieces and Izaya's kisses trailed along Shizuo's collarbone."

And in that particular moment Kururi decided to add some sound effects and moaned with a quiet yet deep voice: "Ah... IzayAH"

"KURURI!"

"Izaya smirked at the demon under him and promised: **'We shall be together from now on, this is our vow'** and started preparing him with lubricated fingers." Mairu continued happily and Kururi interrupted her with her constant moaning and groaning.

Izaya wanted to bang his head against the wall. "Where did they get lube in the middle of dark wood, huh?"

"He is a demon after all, get some imagination!"

"When he felt that Shizuo is ready for 'the real deal' he started entering him slowly..."

"A-AAAH", Kururi cried loudly.

"Since when can demons materialize a lube out of nowher- aah, fuck, good afternoon doctor!" Izaya turned to the old man and the room was suddenly filled with awkward silence.

The twins jumped up from the bed and tried hard not to laugh. Izaya's cheeks got a little red once again and the balding doctor could only stare with eyes wide open.

"Sorry, we didn't want to be be so loud." Mairu giggled and ran out of the room holding her sister's hand.

_'Well this is just wonderful,'_ Izaya sighed inwardly.

* * *

**A/N: So yeah, here goes nothing... This chapter was focused on Izaya again and we watched him and his sisters. I wanted to show you the changes over the years in their relationship so I added some humor because there is too much angst in here.**

**And I might add a new story/oneshot whis week so yeah...**

**Review, pretty please? I'll give you a gay cookie - I mean who doesn't like gay cookies?**


	7. nightmares

**A/N: So yeah, this took a while but finally I'm back with another chapter. England was great- And from now on we're writing in Eng. so you don't have to wait for so long. Actually chapter 8 is done for quite some time now.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara! or/and any of its characters.**

* * *

**[three months ago]**

Ow! What's goin-

"Shizuo."

Flinch.

"Shizuo."

...**.**

I... Izaya?

...**...**...sile**nc**esi**le**ncesi**le**nce...:::::::::::::::::::...::**:::::::::::::::::**:::::::::::::::::::...**..**...**...::::::**::::::::::::::::::::::::::::...**.**...

drip**...**drip**...**drip**...**drip**:::**drip**:::**drip**:::**drip**.**drip**.**drip**.**drip**...****...**..._..._...**...::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**drop

... Hey?

_"...because they try to stand rig_ht back up in their own pathetic way, but they won't, I won't let them do that, you know why**? Because I love them! Every single one - oh, except for you!"**

...**lovethem**...:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::...::: ::::::::...::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::..._ohexceptforyou_...:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::...::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**exceptforyou**:::::..._**loveexceptforyou**_...

...What? What did you say again? Can't hear you over the silence-

...Who are you?

"**IT'S ALL Y**OUR FA_ULT! IF YO_U WERE**N'T A MONSTER-**"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::...thoseredeyes**everywhere**_everywhere_everywhere...::::::::::::::::::::::::::...:::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::...:::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::...

NO!

"Shizu-chaaan~, let me take a bite, I forgot my bento."

...:::::::::**laughter**_realandgenuinelyhappy_...:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::...::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::...HAHAHAHSDJSAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. ..:::::::::::::_fullofbloodandhatred_...::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::...

Love! Love my hatred!

-_-_-_-_**ERROR**_-_-_**disgust**__-_-**hatred**-_apathy_-_**admiration**_-**l-o-v-e?**_-_**ERROR**_-

The end...

"Wake up!"

_'Huh? What are you doing here?'_

"Shizuo, wake up this instant!"

_'Leave me alone!'_

"Shizzy, Shizu, wake up"

**:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :everything's shaking:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ** :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::: ::::::::: : : :::::::::::: ::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::: _:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: : : : : : ::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :: : : : :::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::_

* * *

-Shizuo almost jumped out of his bed and hit Izaya accidentally in his face.

_'WHAT'S GOING ON?'_

"Shizu, Shizu it's okay, it was just a nightmare."

Inhale, exhale. Yes, it's fine. Just peachy. He smiled apologetically at the other man.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?"

"No, couldn't sleep anyways."

He decided not to comment on the blatant lie. Of course he was a bother. There was no reason for Izaya to keep him here but somehow...

Izaya tugged on his arm until he fell back on the mattress and embraced him tightly.

He knew he should be thankful for Izaya's lies, but they still hurt. A different kind of ache.

_(and so the soft kiss on his forehead didn't wake him up)_

* * *

**[two years ago]**

He was hungry.

_'Can I have some food please?'_

Aah, that would be too rude. He knew when to keep his mouth shut.

Shizuo clenched his thin blanket harder and tried to find a comfortable position on the narrow couch.

_'I can do this.'_

His monstrous body would survive anything so it didn't matter. As long as he wasn't hurting anyone (well as far as he knew, that is).

The moonlight lit his face and it glowed in the dark.

_'Moon... Do you ever feel alone? Can you see Izaya? What is he doing? Is he thinking about me? Ha, impossible, tight? …Moon... Why won't you talk to me? Why does everything hurt so much?'_

_**'Can't you see he doesn't want to talk to you?'**_

_'Moon? Izaya? Kasuka? All of them?'_

_**'...Are you surprised?'**_

_'Not particularly.'_

_**'Stop whining then.'**_

Thick door leading to Izaya's room banged loudly against the wall when the said person almost ran out of it, frustration clear in his face.

'_I would ask what the matter is - if he wanted me to...'_

"You! Yes, you! Get up and stop taking up the space on my couch if you aren't asleep!"

"Right, right. Sorry.''

Slap. It hurt. He never knew pain very closely but after the few months without his strength and full of physical (and mental of course, he noted) abuse, he started feeling it the way everyone else did. And he learned to love it. It was something special, intimate. He called it 'love'. He didn't remember when disgust became admiration, hatred became love, but it seemed right - to him. He just let it be. Didn't want to bother with thinking about it too hard.

"Learn not to be rude to the people you feed off, parasite!"

What an irony, really. He called Izaya by the same name only few months ago.

_'Sorry, sorry, sorry, please don't hit me!'_

_**'As if you don't deserve it...'**_

_'I know, I know, I KNOW!'_

"-should I make you some coffee?" Shizuo whispered, his voice shaking slightly.

"Excuse me, you will need to speak up if you want someone to hear what the fuck you're saying."

"I wondered whether you wanted some coffee"

"Mm, okay."

Izaya settled on the couch comfortably and stared at the sleeping Shinjuku. He could hear the liquid being poured in a mug and then steps. Shizuo placed the cup in front of him and sat back on the couch. Izaya sipped a little - and spit it out immediately.

"What the fuck is this supposed to be, you thick-headed protozoan!? It's sweet for god's sake!"

"So-sorry..." He rose from his spot once again and reached for the tea. But Izaya beat him to it and threw the cup at him (resulting in millions of cutely asymmetric flower-like shards of porcelain covering the carpet). Shizuo didn't look scared. Not even hurt. Just empty. And that irked Izaya. The apathy was the only thing in the blond's eyes. It ate at Izaya's ego slowly, tearing it apart.

"You're so fucking useless, no wonder everyone's abandoned you!"

Tiny flinch, nothing else. Not enough. Never enough.

"You know, civilized people would clean up their own mess. But I guess monsters have to be told **what** to **do**!"

Shizuo started picking up the pieces; one by one while bleeding on the white carpet from his forehead.

"Could you hurry up!"

He went against the urge to kick Shizuo. Kick him like a dog. Tie him up and do anything he wants to him. Play the cat and mouse game. …Look how he tries to resist. Well isn't this just cute? Slap him until his skin is ripped and blue because of the bruises - like a painting. Like a dream. Pour out all his frustrations until he can't feel anything anymore. And the familiar nothingness embraces him. And then... then throw him away.

He wanted to stab Shizuo with his switchblade, again and again, watch the blood flow out of its container. (ahh, how he loved his own fantasy)

Theoretically it wasn't actually Shizuo's fault - sure, he was a monster and annoying but this time he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. And Izaya made a great use of it.

"Could you at the very least do it properly?!"

Just a nod, and a few tears hidden behind his hair.

**[flashback]**

He watched Shizuo chatting with Mairu and Kururi (who decided to stalk him today), a small smile on his face. At least Shizuo wasn't sad. Happiness suited him. He was trying to help the twins with their homework since Izaya had work to do. He was glad - kind of. Right now he was trying to find any info on a woman that ran away from her husband because he abused her. And since her husband was a yakuza, he decided to bother Izaya with his little problem. So Izaya did what he had to do. But that didn't mean he couldn't bend the truth a little, did it? And so he did whatever he wanted. As always, right?

Shizuo looked up from the table with a desperate expression on his face but Izaya only stuck out his tongue at him.

"Traitor," Shizuo chuckled quietly.

"I can hear you, you know? And the fact that you never paid attention in school is not my fault now, is it?"

"Ts." Shizuo chuckled once again.

"Mairu, Kururi, get off from Shizuo's lap - he's not a couch!" Izaya added without looking away from the computer screen.

"Jealous, brother dearest?"

"Don't try to anger me Mairu, I didn't sleep all that well yesterday and I'm not in a good mood."

"Oh, I see..." Mairu grinned maliciously.

"Mairu!''

"Ladies, if you have the time to argue, maybe you have time to do the homework too," Shizuo contributed to the discussion.

Izaya pouted. "But I have work~ to do~." he whined.

"I could help you out with that: guess it would make more sense than this."

"Nah, okay, I'll be finished in a minute and we can watch a movie. Not in the mood for Math..."

"Yaaay~ Iza-nii is the best."

"Shizu-nii." Kururi added solemnly, settling down on the couch.

"Ahh, yeah, right after Shizu-nii." Mairu nodded, jumping right next to her, Shizuo exhaling heavily because he 'finally got rid of those two on his lap'.

Izaya finally shut the laptop and crawled under a blanket next to Shizuo. He snuggled closer to him, laying his head on Shizuo's chest. After awhile of comfortable silence and a minor cuddling, Shizuo decided to speak up.

"Uh guys..."

"Hm?" all three siblings turned their heads.

"Someone should turn the TV on and put a DVD in the drive."

"-"

* * *

**A/N: Next chapter will be up during this week probably but we may not be able to update much until September! And this story will have 12 chapters + epilogue in total so we're nearing the end.**

**Also the next chapter contains a plot twist (you can guess in your reviews)**


	8. ex-lovers

**A/N: Only a few days left until the summer vacation! That means that this story may not be updated at all during the next 2 months. Although we will try to stay in contact, me and Bassu are not sure about being able to collab.**

**Disclaimer****: I do not own Durarara!**

* * *

Ahh, this conversation was getting too boring. As usual. It was important though. Right. Well that didn't stop him from yawning rudely. He slowly got up from his chair and opened the door. The white corridors made him feel claustrophobic.

"Orihara-san, are you listening?" the voice of an elderly man echoed behind him.

"Uh?" He turned and faced a male in a white coat.

"I was talking about Heiwajima-san. It seems like he might wake up after all. In due time of course."

"Okay. Thank you." _'Okay, okay, okay, due time, okay, okay, thank you'_

The old doctor nodded and excused himself from the room. Izaya turned around and walked back to the room, sitting down on the edge of the bed softly. He watched Shizzy's face. So peaceful. So lovely. _Like a doll, isn't he? Wouldn't you love him? Hey, Beast, here lies your Beauty. In my possession. And he's going to live. He IS alive._

He felt unfamiliar burning in his chest yet it felt pleasant, different from the apathy that swallowed him whole for the past few weeks. He enjoyed it. Enjoyed it so much, to feel. Because now Shizuo would be back with him and they could- They could...

...

That's right? What will happen after Shizuo wakes up? What do you expect, hm? Will Shizuo be back to his self-destructive self? Will he leave Izaya?

_'Why would you leave me?'_

Wrong question. After all no one in their right mind would still stay with Izaya after everything he's done.

_'But you won't, right? You won't!'_

Well he should. And that's pretty much all that matters. Not like he was a necessity, ne?

_'What would you do without me?'_

Probably be happy. There wouldn't be any more nightmares, he would be able to get a normal life.

_'NO! You needed me! You__** need**__ me!'_

But it's not like _Izaya _needed _him_. This whole thing was a mistake from the beginning. The only reason for him to stay with Shizuo was to undo the damage, because no one else had the guts to do so. He liked this power, he really did. He didn't want Shizuo to die only because it would be his fault - and he didn't want to kill a human.

...

Then why did it feel so painful watching him like this?

_'Hey, hey, Shizu, wake up already. '_

_'Maybe then... I can finally figure this all out.'_

Sigh. A door opened.

He didn't even bother looking in the direction of the newcomer, thinking it was Shinra once again.

"What are you still doing here," a cold voice stabbed through him.

... Kasuka. "You can guess."

"Can't believe you have the nerve to come back after what you did to him."

"Says the one, who left."

"Oh yeah. Sorry, I forgot that abusing and raping my brother repeatedly accounts to nothing."

"I did not rape him." Izaya gritted out, clenching his fists. How he hated this guy. Implying such things...

"Of course... And this," pointed at Shizuo, "this is his fault."

Why does it hurt so much? Every single time he's reminded of his sins, his heart aches uncomfortably.

_'Even I can feel... the pain. Why?'_

"No. That's not his fault." he admits.

"Of course it isn't. Whose, then, Orihara? Care to-" Kasuka paused and came as close as to breathe on the nape of Izaya's neck, making him shudder "explain?"

Gasp.

"You have no right."

"To do what exactly?"

"I don't have to explain myself, you know?" he whispered, pain evident in his voice.

Kasuka leaned in closer, whispering in his ear, still emotionless.

"But that's not quite true, is it now? After all, you slept with me and my brother at the same time few years ago."

Silence. Nothing to say.

"You're a pitiful creature, really. Breaking everything you touch - well except me of course."

**"Idiot!"**

The sudden shout surprised even Izaya himself as he turned around and slapped the boy beside him.

"You are always the same, you know?"

And he knows. He knows and it hurts and he doesn't want to because now he's confused and he wonders whether this is what Shizuo feels like, felt like.

_Help! Help!_

"Do you get it now, huh? You've been leading everyone on - even yourself. How does it feel? Does it hurt? Do you know just how much you deserve this?"

He sprang up, reaching for Kasuka's neck.

_'Die, die already!'_

"Can't you see the truth? You're the one because of whom he shall die one day!"

"SHUT UP!"

_'You are so not yourself today, Izaya...'_

Kasuka stood silently, hidden cruelty in his stoic expression.

''Move! Do something''

Izaya was biting his lip as he slid down to the floor. Kasuka smiled. In fact, the corners of his mouth only curled up a little but it was still a smile.

**_'Beg for forgiveness, you fool!'_**

"You know what? You're pathetic."

"Shut... up..."

Kasuka leaned down to him and ghosted his lips across the other ones, pulling away just as quickly.

"Stop!"

But Kasuka was already gone.

Izaya inspected his surroundings with tired eyes, remembering exactly why he didn't want to meet this man. Precisely why this attraction was wrong.

_'Give me pain, give me so much pain I can bear, give me so much that I can cry!'_

But there was no one to listen to his broken laughter echoing in the small hospital room.

_Hah hah hahahahahahaha!_

What did he get himself into?

_HAHAHAHAHA! 'As if I know!'_

He still remembered the addiction he felt with Kasuka. The surge of being dominated. Did he feel embarrassed? Or did it just... arouse him in a strange twisted way...? And he loved it. Didn't feel guilty for a second. But that was before Shizuo's first suicide attempt. But then he started liking the leading position. Liked the control he could have over someone. He started sleeping with Shizuo out of a whim, to humiliate him further... To enjoy himself. He was fucking with both Heiwajima brothers and one day, after his sisters had been endangered, after Shizuo lost it - he decided to quit his relationship with Kasuka and focus on his family and Shizuo. It had been fun, really, really fun. But he needed to stop unless he wanted to destroy every single thing he ever cared about. That was the right thing to do.

And it didn't feel empty. Not at all.

* * *

**A/N: I told you there was going to be a plot twist, didn't I... (hides in a corner) Please don't kill me. It's essential for the story actually. **

**Only 4 chapters and an epilogue left!**


	9. AN

I am putting all my Durarara! fanfictions on hiatus. I know no one likes those 'looks like a chapter but is an author's note' things but here it is.

If I don't update by 1/1/2014 consider all those works dropped - in which case I may delete the ones I don't like.

I have a huge writer's block for this fandom and lost all interest in it. I will continue to write for Shingeki no Kyojin fandom from now on.

Don't lose hope though - I may still update some of them.

Sorry for the inconvenience.


End file.
